The prompt for today was to capture a relationship or a feeling. Today, I decided to write about my father's ex-girlfriend with whom I did not have a good relationship with when they were together. She loved my brothers and sang their praises, but I doubt that she loved me. I just have memories of her badmouthing me to my face and behind my back. As well as broadcasting my mistakes and shortcomings to anyone who was nearby. I think the only time she had positive feelings towards me was when I graduated High School.
I spent years trying to make myself into someone that was worthy of her love, put myself through a lot mentally and emotionally trying to do so, until she and my father had broken up.
I could not "show" our relationship, but I just wrote down the words as they had come to mind.
All I wanted was a mother to love
And maybe love me back
A mother to feel the empty space I have
Is that too much to ask for?
With my teen-aged self
Still trying to figure herself out
I realized that I had to work hard to qualify
To be worth some kind of
"You're not going anywhere with me wearing that baseball jacket."
"And you want to like boys?
And have them like you?"
"What guy would want to like a girl wearing tattered jeans?
And an old 1970's shirt?"
"You really ought to wear dresses.
That's what a lady is SUPPOSED to do!"
"Goodness, you're pathetic!"
"You always walk around looking stupid!"
"You're in pain? Stop shaking about and deal with it!
It's not all that bad."
(She smacked me as she said that.
It had taken everything for me to not cry at that moment.)
I was afraid of saying anything
Or do anything
To prove that I was a mature adult
BUT I'M JUST A FREAKING TEENAGER!
To be worthy of her love
I had to be anyone by myself
I watched as she always hugged my brothers
Sung their praises
And to her, I did not even exist
But that was only when she
Felt the need to point out my bad habits and qualities
Instead of telling me how I could improve or grow
Gosh, I wanted to love her
I wanted her to love me
I do not think she ever did
That's the story of my stepmonster
No, I will not even refer to her as my "Stepmother"
She was never any mother of mine
Of ANY kind