October Poetry Writing Month, Day Three: Numb

Day three, and I finally feel like I'm being more productive in my writing which is a relief. I was fearful that Writer's Block might keep me from continuing on throughout this month, and I intend to not let that happen.

The prompt for today was to write about what drains me. I decided to go back six years while I was in hardest part of my recovery from surgery to obliterate my Cerebral AVM rupture. So, yes, this is another AVM poem. The first two years was the hardest. Being in emotional pain, sometimes physical pain and having to go throughout the day for work and Church like nothing is wrong. This and the recovery left me numb and drained. Luckily, years later, I am doing better.

As always, critiques are welcomed.

Numb

5:47 am reads my clock as I awaken to see I am alive
"X" another day on the calendar since I had survived
Wow...survival...that word now has a different meaning
Strength, survival those words just are not convening
A Survivor! Where is the strength that comes from becoming one?
Maybe that along with myself and my spirit is long gone
A lost and pained little girl now lives inside me
 I do not want to go out there with nothing to guide me
Much rather do I want to stay inside and just hide
Man, man oh man! Is this what it means to survive?
My body no longer feels like it is my own
Much plagued by pains that stings to the bone
So badly do I want to cry by the tears will not come
This room so dark and cold, matches me, so dark so numb
No friendly face, no understanding nearby can be known
But I'll have to find my own strength, do this on my own

- LWV

OctPoWriMo Day Three - Beacuse of You

The prompt for day three is "sweet." The question was, "What brings sweetness to your life?" I spent my commute to work pondering this. What does bring sweetness in my life? Is it desserts? Was it the road trips that I used to take with my friend Joe? Was it the long quiet nature walks I would take during the weekend? I created a list in my mind, and  (all of these things do bring sweetness in my life) I realized what brings the biggest sweetness in my life are my friends who are my fellow AVM Survivors. I call them my AVM Survivor Family. My sixth anniversary as an AVM was on September 15th, and my AVM Survivor Family was there to remind me of who I am, and that I am more than my disability. It helps me to quiet the voices of others that tells me that I am stupid and pathetic.

The poem is written in a Swap Quatrain. I may edit it or add to it since I feel that there's more that could be added to it. Then again, I feel that way about most of the poems that I write.

I hope you enjoy.

Because of You

For so long I've searched for a safe place
Some understanding, a friendly face
A place where one like me can belong
I've searched for a safe place for so long

Much much rejection I always find
When I ache for comfort in this difficult time
If I am worth loving I often question
I always find much much rejection


You come along out of the blue, out of nowhere
Among the crowd where no one seems to care
 You help me to break that façade of strong
Out of the blue, out of nowhere you come along

Throughout all of my faults and flaws you loved me
You opened my heart and eyes so I can see
The person I truly am, which you always saw
You loved me throughout all of my faults and flaws

You helped me to repair my broken being
Find love for myself which was ever so freeing
I learned to see what what was truly there
My broken being you helped me to repair

My disability I am so much more than
There's many qualities I have which are grand
How can I thank you for helping me to see
I am so much more than my disability?

Because of you I have the strength to go on
In this recovery that does seem so long
Now shattered are those lies that say I'm pathetic and obtuse
I have the strength to go on because of you

- LWV

OctPoWriMo Day One - Butterfly, Broken Butterfly

It's the first day of October Poetry Writing Month, and as always the first day is a struggle for me! But I managed to get something written. This is a poem based on my AVM experience. After my rupture, it seems like life for me has stopped, and for years I've felt so lost and broken. I had to and am still learning on how to live my life with a broken brain - in a way learning to fly with a broken wing. I still hold on to the hope that I will one day fly.
The idea came about after remembering a trip that I had taken to Skyline Drive, Virginia with my friend, Joe. It was the season of the butterflies which we had gone to see. I noticed among the many butterflies that there was gone with a broken wing, but it still flew. I hope that one day I will too.
 Also, the (green) butterfly is the symbol of the AVM Survivors Support Network. 

Butterfly, Broken Butterfly

Butterfly, broken butterfly
Once on your way to fly so high
A broken wing now your plight
The chance to soar now seems denied

Butterfly with the broken wing
Feels so lost not sure where you're going
That lost feeling such pain that stings
But the hope to soar your heart still clings

Butterfly, broken yet still beautiful
The beauty you still have do you know?
Your wing may be broken it's there still
Your dream to fly will one day be real

Butterfly do you see how far you've come
Through your journey is not yet done
You may still have a long way to go
The course may be bothersome, often slow

But once you get off of the ground
With thriving strength that now abounds
You'll fly twice as higher than before
May you soar, butterfly, may you soar
- LWV

 This photo was from my friend, Barbara H. I don't know the original source.

Novelties Like Ocean Sand and Missing Pieces (Rebuilt) - NaPoWriMo Days 5 and 6

Well, it's been quite a busy weekend, what with running (walking mostly) for AVM and Traumatic Brain Injury Awareness on a 10K route on Saturday morning and then watching General Conference the rest of the day , and then spending most of today on a bus returning home. Since I was not able to write poems for these two days, I thought that I'd post two of my older poems about my experience with AVM in honor of yesterday's event. The first one is called Novelties Like Ocean Sand. This is pretty much a venting poem, touching on how I felt when my former friends had steered clear of me because they could not handle the way I was while recovering from GammaKnife. I can understand nowadays that I probably made them uncomfortable.

The second poem is Missing Pieces which pretty much sums up the beginning years of my AVM being found, treated, and my recovery from treatment. I wanted to end this post with something a little more positive.

Oh, and I am doing much better these days. :-)


 Novelties Like Ocean Sand
With your novelties like ocean sand
How quickly do they wash away
I smile, greet you but you keep yourself at bay
Time ago you thought my survival something grand
Once you had offered a helping hand
Sent cards saying for me you will pray
With your novelties like ocean sand
How quickly do they wash away
And now the very sight of me you cannot stand
Though my life, my old self surgery could not save
I fight this battle of emotion every day
To grasp this long road to recovery you won't give a chance
With your novelties like ocean sand

 © L. Verella 2013


Missing Pieces (Rebuilt)
Unimaginable pains are felt one which I had never dealt
A strong face I put on for everyone nonetheless
While thinking each day the pain could end it may
How funny it is that I thought I knew best!
Hemorrhaged rupture took place thought I’d soon see Heaven’s face
Then I awaken to learn that radiation procedure that saved me
To be alive I am glad just wish that I had
Been aware of the tough upcoming journey
Numerous emotions overflow well beyond my control
Tears, anger, fears uncontrollably friends now deserting me
One battle was just won now a new one has begun
Cerebral hemorrhage gone but the one in my heart hurts greatly
Physically healed be I may yet still broken in many ways
I see pieces of me so low on this ground
What time it would take for the repair work to take place
Searching for the strength inside me to be found
Slowly with care I take my time to repair
My being as I take it day by day
Then month by month it leads to year by year with these deeds
Slowly getting back to me I am on my way
As I near completeness I notice a few missing pieces
That I will never be the same as before it reminds
But now with a whole heart still those missing pieces can be filled
With new attributes within me which I will soon find 

© L. Verella 2013